Local Churchgoer Accidentally Sponsors 97 Children at Christian Concert

Missouri, U.S. – According to local Southern Baptist Church, a member of their congregation is rapidly descending into debt after sponsoring 97 children at a MercyMe concert. He lives off of a small income working minimum wage at McDonalds, but is paying $2,910 a month to sponsor his multitude of children.

“The music was beautiful, the spirit was in the air, and the guy who went on stage to talk about the starving children over seas had a tear-jerker of a story to tell” the man, who asked to remain anonymous, told reporters. “Then, when he said that this was my only chance to change a child’s life, for the price of a McDonald’s coke per day, I started to feel moved.”

Starting to get emotional, the man continued, “He ended his speech saying, ‘The one question Jesus will ask you when you get to heaven is, did you help the least of my brothers?’ The guilt was overwhelming, and when they turned on the lights, I knew everyone in that 10,000+ room would know if I messed up and let all the children starve to death. Moreover, Jesus would kick me out of heaven for failing to act.”

Onlookers watched in dismay as the man stood up, raised his hand, and asked for an entire stack of children.

“He filled them all out, received 97 complementary CDs, and then enjoyed the rest of the concert, knowing his guilt was appeased and knew nobody could judge him then.” According to Dr. Gilbert Peabody, psychology analyst.

Preliminary reports are saying the local man is now looking for people to sponsor him, and he’s consulting with Sarah McLachlan to learn the ends and outs of guilt-based marketing.